Shooting the Moon

Illustration Friday’s word this week is “Moon.” My entry is entitled “Shoot the Moon”. I may wind up editting it, I did it all in one sitting, late at night while on vacation. Yawn, its time for bed.


    Do you want to know what I don’t trust?
    The moon, that’s what I don’t trust.
    Have you ever worried about what’s going on up there? The way it hangs over us every night, just looking down at us. That’s the biggest clue right there. Of course, the government doesn’t want us to think about that, that’s why they staged those lunar landings back in the 60s.
    Now don’t worry, buddy, I’m not one of those guys who think they filmed the moon landings in some movie studio in Burbank. That’s ridiculous. Nobody in Hollywood knows how to keep their mouth shut. They’re all commies anyway, if they’d filmed the moon landing there, the word would have been out the next day.
    They filmed it in Canada.
    ‘Course they did? They work cheap up there, I tell you, the average Canadian’d kill his mother for a five dollars American. Besides, even if they talked, and got somebody on the phone and told ‘em they were filming the moon landing in some Canadian movie studio, who’d believe them? They’re Canadian for Crissakes! Foreigners ain’t got any say in American politics.
    So they filmed the moon landing up in Canada, and nobody knew the difference, because whose gonna try and call the government out?
    I know what you’re gonna say: What about the astronauts? How’d they get the astronauts to play along? They didn’t. They didn’t film the astronauts. That’s why in all the old films from the moon landing, they had those huge helmets covering their faces, and when they talked, their voices were all full of static, like they had a bad connection. You couldn’t tell who the hell they were. The real astronauts never went anywhere near the moon landing. They hired actors.
    Neil Armstrong. I bet you any amount of money you’ll never guess who they hired to play Neil Armstrong. Go on, guess, you’ll never get it, not in a million years.
    Cary Grant. They shipped Cary Grant up to Canada to play Neil Armstrong in the moon landing. That’s why he didn’t do much work around then. The government hushed him up. They had blackmail on him, you see. The government’s got blackmail on all those big Hollywood stars, they can make ‘em do whatever they want.
    Take the Kennedy assassination. I bet you think it was Kennedy that got assassinated in Texas. It wasn’t. You’ll never guess it in a million years. It was Eddie Fisher. They were worried about safety for Kennedy, so they got Eddie Fisher to go around pretending he was Kennedy. So, when they assassinated Eddie Fisher, Kennedy went to go live in a bunker and run the government and that’s what he’s been doing ever since.
     Its this big bunker up in Canada. Oh sure, all the big name American politicians really live in Canada. In fact, America bought Canada back in the fifties. It cost them $280 and a case of beer. Eisenhower bought it because he was having an affair with Elizabeth Taylor and wanted to have someplace they could go where they wouldn’t be spotted. Besides, ol’ Ike was smart, he knew that someday they might need someplace to film the moon landing.
     Why? Well that’s obvious isn’t it? Ike couldn’t risk anybody landing on the moon, because of all the nuclear waste. They’d been testing A-bombs on the moon for years, and if anybody landed up there, BLAM there went our tactical advantage. You see, it was all about tactical advantage for Ike – that and Elizabeth Taylor.
    So, they government had to hire somebody to pretend to be Elizabeth Taylor while Ike was up with her in Canada – so they hired Judy Garland. Elizabeth Taylor wasn’t really Elizabeth Taylor – Judy Garland was. It wasn’t even Judy Garland, either, what Ike didn’t know is that Truman had replaced her with Maxine Andrews in 1945. Her voice had started to go, and Harry figured it would be too damaging to American morale to lose a popular singing star like that, so he had her replaced.
    The politicians are doing that all the time. Nobody in Hollywood is who they say they are. The same with the government. They’re all just figureheads. The real power is all up in Canada. You think the president of the United States is really George Bush. Think again. I got two words for you: Tom Hanks. George Bush wasn’t photogenic enough, so they sent him up to Canada. Tom Hanks has been running things, ever since, only he’s not really running things, since its really Kennedy up in a bunker in Canada.
   You gotta open your eyes, buddy. Look around you! If you can’t trust the moon, then who can you trust.

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